Writing is some of the best therapy I’ve ever practiced. Sitting here having just completed a writing prompt in my planner, I’m motivated to share more. Then I think about laundry and any number of other things I can/should/need to be doing. STOP. Redirect and give respect. I want to write, so I’m writing.
I find myself feeling introspective with more compassion these days. How great is that?! Pondering my ideas, desires, and wisdom and what keeps my heart open, I hold my cat-figure carved rose quartz in my left hand and let the smooth ballpoint tip pen in my right hand direct the words flowing from my soul. It’s important to try not to interfere or heavily edit the words as thoughts form. Like anything, it’s a practice that gets easier the more it’s done.
2014 was hell on earth for me with nightmare experiences piled upon a weary, pummeled existence. 2015 seemed to be a little bit better. Thought things were on a positive trajectory, then Bam! Blindsided by betrayals and hurts unhealed. Not sure what the hell happened in 2016. Some great shifts, some surprises. 2017 was a flash! Went by fast and felt much different. Here I am in 2018.
Retrospection is a funny thing. The shift in perspective can’t be overstated.
Determination is a reckoning force. Although my shoulders keep posturing higher than I’d like, a physical indicator that stress tension has a firm hold, I’m working on stretching and breathing. Yoga and meditation are remarkable healers. For Real.
As I began writing in my planner today, I went with my immediate thoughts, no judgment. In this awareness, I recognized quickly when I inaccurately stated I’m stronger. No. Nope. That’s not it. I’m powerful again.
I FEEL POWERFUL AGAIN.
And when we feel it, then we have it. We have it because we respect, announce, own, embrace it. When we don’t feel it, we can’t have it even though it’s there all along. It’s without power. Turned down or off. Dimmed.
I was reminded of something important this week while reading a comment on social media. “Those who try to control others have no control over themselves.” Oh, boy. Does that look familiar? Recognize myself much there?? Like looking in a mirror. I’ve spent the last few years trying to understand what the hell about me is affecting my relationships and my life so negatively. For a long time, my story has been about what I’ve survived, suffered at the hands of others beyond my control peppered with reasons for self-destructive behavior. Okay already. There’s a point where the reaction shifts to self-responsibility, and it’s much closer and sooner than I care to admit sometimes.
I struggle with anxiety every day. Having someone show compassion while I’m in the midst of attempting to control my environment or when I’m completely melting down in overwhelm is the greatest kindness I can possibly receive. I acknowledge and accept responsibility for my actions and the consequences of the effects my behavior has on others. Please believe me, I’m trying my best. I’m not asking for a free pass to act like a jerk. Just consider that negative behavior is most often a plea for understanding and help. While reading this article, I found myself grateful to have people who give me this support and wishing there wasn’t a need for it.
I’ve done A LOT of work over the past few decades to heal, mature, grow, and learn. I’ve made mistakes aplenty and gratefully fulfilled successes galore. This moment, my attention is not on where I’m falling short. It’s on where I am here and now, who I am – for me, what I am doing in celebration of my journey. No one else is living my life, so I better get on with the joy of it by being the Original Me, my truest good, my own North Star. I will hold onto the belief that honoring my self brings goodness, positivity, and joy to others.
Love & Light!
